I TOLD You to Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around
by crazyroninchic
Summary: Another day, another ridiculous Sue to scar the canon characters for life with…no, I’m not laughing evilly, why do you ask? Sequel to “Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around.”
1. Chapter 1

I TOLD You to Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around

By Crazyroninchic

Summary: Another day, another ridiculous Sue to scar the canon characters for life with…no, I'm not laughing evilly, why do you ask? ) Sequel to "Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around."

Chapter One: VERY Short—Ye Be Warned. They won't all be this short, I promise. I just wanted to prove that I was still writing…XD

Eowyn was talking with Arwen until they parted ways—i.e. Eowyn was going back to Rohan for a visit…and extensive therapy…But the point is, before she left, a fateful question was asked.

"So, how did you know all about the Sues, anyway? I know how I did, but that's another story…"

Arwen merely shrugged, or the Elven equivalent. But that was really to mask the horrible feeling of traumatizing memories coming back to the surface. It was a lot like food poisoning, if you add shortness of breath and near heart failure to the mix. Yeah, like that. She saw Eowyn, Eomer, and Faramir off, maintaining a calm demeanor while contemplating running off the highest level of Minas Tirith.

It all made sense now. Her surprising knowledge of the travesty known as Mary Sue—something she should never have had to know about. Her brothers were there, and many others…the details were fuzzy as her mind swam, but she had a pretty good idea what had happened. Should she talk to them about it? Should they share in her misery?

Or, Arwen thought, should I protect them by remaining silent and letting them live their lives in blissful ignorance?

…Nah.

As she banged uncharacteristically loudly into the room where some of the others still remained, Elladan and Elrohir—had they only known—should have been kissing the remainder of their sanity good-bye…

TBC…

I'm baaack! Muahaha. Sorry the first chapter is so short, I figured I should post it. I'll try my best to be good about updating.


	2. Ignorance and Daftness

Chapter Two: Daftness and Ignorance

It was another gorgeous day in Rivendell. The leaves had just begun to take on the orange tinge that signified the approaching fall as the numbers of Elves leaving the shores increased ever so slightly.

Erestor strolled along a path overlooking a glittering waterfall as the breeze stirred his robes and hair. He let out a long sigh of happiness on the most basic level. It was a good day simply because.

This, however, was about to change.

Someone came skidding around the corner ahead of him and darted past. Erestor reached out swiftly and seized the arm of the runner. Estel came to a screeching halt, but Erestor's firm but gentle grip kept him from falling on his face.

"What is it that causes such hurry?" Erestor asked mildly.

"I found this book in the library, and I thought that Ada should have a look at it." Estel explained, somewhat breathily.

"Let me see." Erestor took one look at the book in Estel's arm and changed his mind. "On second thought, burn it."

"Huh? But couldn't it be valuable?"

"No. Trust me. No good can come from that much pink."

Elrond chose that moment to walk by. "Something wrong, Erestor? You look slightly pale."

"Just a bad feeling, that's all."

Elrond's eyes fell on the book that Estel clutched. "That's an interesting-looking book you have there."

"I found it in the libr—"

"Honestly, Elrohir, I don't see your point!"

"That's because you're ignorant!"

"At least I'm not daft!"

"My sons, what did I tell you about these little fights?" Elrond said, with a frighteningly calm expression.

"But, Ada—"

"I am not being unreasonable, but since you decided to ignore me nonetheless, it's time to take your punishment."

"Ada!"

"We will read this book, from cover to cover. I know not what is contained within the pages, but I know it will not be good. Yet it will be a lesson to both of you." Elrond replied, with a hint of mirth in his eyes.

Had he known what was in the book, Elrond would have not included himself in the group of people reading it. Had he known…he would have run away, as all with sense would.

The twins exchanged a glance and seemed to decide on the spot that if they were going down, they were taking everyone else with them.

"Well," began Elrohir. "If this is for punishment, then there are others who should be joining us."

"Oh?" said Elrond with a slight smirk, raising an eyebrow.

"Why just a few minutes ago, Estel was running through the halls. Arwen stole Glorfindel's horse again. Glorfindel tracked mud onto the carpet. And Erestor cussed when a book fell on him in the library." Elrohir ticked off their names on his fingers.

"And Galadriel, Celeborn, Legolas, Thranduil, and Haldir are all visiting, so they should have to listen as well!" Elladan added decisively.

"Whatever for?" Erestor asked, seething a bit from being included.

"They should know better than to visit." Was all the reply he got.

"Then it's settled." Elrond smirked, enjoying the look on Erestor's face way too much.

"What's settled?" Arwen questioned as she came up to the group, looking curious.

"Oh…nothing." The twins chorused together. Right away, Arwen's suspiciousness-detector went off. They were up to something. But that was obvious, even to someone who didn't know them. The horns were evidence enough.

The guests and those being 'punished' were ushered into a room overlooking a spectacular waterfall. Numerous chairs were scattered about as the eleven Elves and one human child found a seat. Estel seemed to be enjoying himself, and not understanding why he was being punished. Galadriel looked dubious. Erestor and Arwen were glaring at the twins. Glorfindel was Celeborn, Thranduil, and Haldir, all of whom seemed very much indifferent to the whole affair.

Elrond cleared his throat as the signal that it was time to begin. Many adopted the faces of pouting schoolchildren reluctant to give up their freedom and resign themselves to a day of classes. At least, that's one way to picture it.

"Shall we begin?" he asked bemusedly.

"If we must." Thranduil sighed. Elrond shot him a look and he smirked.

Elrond opened to the first page of the book and felt a wave of dread wash over him. Instead of shutting the book and backing away slowly, he started to read.

_Eternal Love Shining Like the Sun on My Hair by GoRgEoUsChIcK690_

_Hi. My name is Emyrald Green, and I love Legolas Greenleaf. If we were to get married, I'd only have to add 'leaf' to the end of my name, tee hee! _

If ever Legolas had felt the urge to bolt, that was the moment. He froze and felt his blood run cold. Next to him, his father suppressed a laugh.

_This is my totally tragic, romantic, gorgeous story. And speaking of gorgeous: I am! Let me describe myself to you right now, so that as you're reading, you can picture me and my beautiful beauty. That, and it's much easier to, like, get it over now than to actually fit it into the story. Who does that! _

There was a very uncomfortable silence that fell over the room as everyone shifted in their seats and wondered about the sanity of the writer.

_I'm tall, but not too tall. And I'm thin, but not too thin. _

"And I'm decisive, but not too decisive…I think." Elladan mocked in a high-pitched voice.

_True to my name, I have emerald green eyes that take on different shades of emerald green for each of my moods. _

"And those moods would be happy, lustful, and stupid, correct?" Haldir ventured a guess.

Several members of the group stared at him, open-mouthed.

_My hair is crimson red, but naturally colored, and falls far past my waist. It's wavy and cascades down my back like a waterfall. When it's wet, it is the dark color of blood—hee hee, how sexy! _

Elrond looked violently ill, that those words had come from his own mouth. "Perhaps someone else would like to read…?"

Elladan and Elrohir adopted identical evil grins. "Oh no, Ada, you are the one doing the punishing, and you seem to be enjoying yourself so much! We couldn't possibly!"

"My thoughts exactly." Celeborn mused.

Seeing that he had no allies in the room, Elrond sighed in defeat. He was beginning to realize that this was punishing himself as well, but he couldn't go back on what he said or he would never hear the end of it…

TBC…

Not very funny, but I'm getting back into my writing habits. I hope.


	3. A Pit of Despair

Chapter Three: A Pit of Despair

Galadriel felt herself sinking into a pit of despair, something quite poetic-sounding and contrary to what she felt she'd ever experience. She had heard of such a person that they were reading about—it was a vague remembrance, but it was there. She knew, she could feel it (as most people with even a little common sense can), that no good could come of reading this story, even if it seemed somewhat harmless.

She, nevertheless, was just about the last person to realize this. Other than Estel, but he was at that awkward age where girls were stilly "yucky" and yet getting slowly more appealing, so he didn't really know what to make of this.

Elrond was mentally selecting who would read next, which he planned to enforce using his Elf Lord Powers. Thranduil looked like he was enjoying himself too much, hmm…

At least, or so Elrond thought, there would be no more tedious descriptions.

_And enough about me, let's talk about me! I'm nice and slender, not too skinny, but not…f…fa…I can't even say it! I'm not big. I way a healthy 80 pounds. Tee hee. _

"I am not familiar with that system of measurement, yet how is that I have the sneaking suspicion that that is a weight that isn't even remotely healthy?" Erestor muttered.

_I wear only the most fashionable clothes, and will now proceed to describe them down to the last stitch. _

"I do believe," Celeborn put in somewhat stiffly, "that it would be a better idea to skip this part."

There was a wave of affirmative nods. Desperate affirmative nods. And a few twitches. Elrond began to skim the pages, reading as little as possible.

_It's not that I'm bothered by the need to maintain constant perfection (becuz it comes easily to me) but it does get annoying when the guys around you are alwayz trying to impress you.._

"Oh, I'm SO sure!" Glorfindel burst out suddenly. "Self-centered little WENCH!"

Most of the occupants of the room stared at him in open-mouthed shock.

Arwen shook her head sadly. "If my instincts are correct, this is only the beginning of the corruption and torture that we will be facing because of this ghastly piece of literature." She turned to the twins and adopted a sour expression. "Thanks a lot."

"You're welcome." They replied in unison, looking rather satisfied.

_Don't even get me started on my sex life. For a thirteen-year-old, I've had my share of rolling in the sa—_ACK!" Elrond choked on this sentence and chucked the book at Thranduil's head.

The Elf Lord calmly held his hand up and caught the offending book before it could damage his pretty face. Estel clapped in admiration at the reflexes required to perform such a feat, while Legolas muttered something that sounded a lot like 'showoff.'

"I take it that it's my turn to read?" Thranduil put in mildly.

Elrond was currently being revived from a nasty case of shock, so Erestor answered for him.

"Yes, and may Iluvatar rest your soul."

"I'm glad you have confidence in me."

_So, anywayz, this one day, I was camping. Tee hee, I luv to commune with nature. All the animals love me,_

"I hope she doesn't mean literally…" Haldir muttered, evoking a great deal of therapy-inducing images in everyone else's minds.

"If you are finished corrupting Estel…" Elrond said, waking up in time to hear that comment.

… _and I can talk to them! _

"So she's narcissistic, stupid, rambling, AND insane?" Elrohir ticked off the traits on his fingers. "Valar, she's got quite the personality!"

"Or lack thereof." Added Celeborn.

_So I was like setting up my tent when a huge storm came up from behind me suddenly. _

" 'Came up from behind me'?" Elladan questioned. "What does that mean?" He took on a deep voice and scuttled behind Arwen. "Hello! I am a nasty storm! Allow me to sneak up on you!"

Arwen let out a mock squeal. "Like, my hair will be ruined! Noooo!"

_I ran, and suddenly, I was on a road! OMGWTF!1_

_So I was on this road, and suddenly a TRUCK came from NOWHERE and RAN ME OVER! Aieeee! _

_Pain and darkness. And the world as I knew it was nothing but blackness. I found myself being pulled to the light…_

_And suddenly _("She uses that word too much," Celeborn remarked.) _I was laying on my back in grass, with a beyootiful blue sky overhead. It matched my eyez. _

_I heard footsteps behind me. _

"It's that pesky storm again, sneaking up on her, I tell you!" Legolas said with a laugh.

_I turned and looked into two sets of identical eyes. _

"Is that even possible?" Arwen asked.

_Two identical dark-haired elves stared at me through shimmering crystal blue eyes._

Elrohir and Elladan weren't laughing anymore.

TBC….

I'm soooo sorry that this is taking so long and that the chapters are short! I just don't have anytime to write…Sorry…They'll get better, I swear.


	4. Pairanoya and Riverdel

Chapter Four: Pairanoya and Riverdel

"This is not good." Elrohir said, turning a strange shade of green.

"Not good at all." His twin added.

Glorfindel tried not to laugh at their bad luck, because he knew that karma was a nasty bugger that would come back and bite him later. Legolas wasn't as concerned.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"Is there a healer around? I do believe my son has gone into fits." Thranduil remarked casually.

"HAHA! Oh, look! Now the 'two sets of identical eyes' are glaring at me!"

Elrond sighed and massaged his temples. His eyebrows had long since disappeared under his hairline.

Just kidding.

But they came close.

_"Fair maiden. Why are you lying outside the borders of Riverdel?" one asked._

"Oh, thank goodness!" Erestor said in relief. "For a second, I thought they were in Rivendell! I pity the inhabitants of this 'Riverdel'."

Arwen looked ill. "Oh, just wait."

_"Allow us to take u to our father, Lord Elrond of Riverdel." The other said. _

"Why on ARDA would we bring a complete STRANGER into our home! That goes against all we've been taught!" Elladan exclaimed.

"Yes," Galadriel said dryly. "Paranoia is a handy quality."

Haldir nodded. "You'd be surprised."

Estel turned to Elrond. "Ada, what's 'pairanoya'?"

"It is when you do not trust anyone, and feel that someone is out to get you, child."

"Because odds are, most of the people around you AREN'T trustworthy, and someone IS out to get you." Celeborn added.

_"So I am like really in the lotr universe!" Emyrald said. _

"Wait, wasn't she just narrating this story?" Arwen blinked.

_The twin on the right, Elrohir, picked her up in his strong arms and they made there way back to the castle. _

"Why does she need to be carried?" Legolas pointed out. "And since when is there a castle in Rivendell?"

"No, she's in Riverdel, remember?" Erestor pointed out flatly.

"Ah."

_They entered a beautiful room. It overlooked a waterfall. Everything was white. White ceiling, white floors, white beds, white dresser, white wood, white clothes, white doors—_

"This goes on for several paragraphs." Elrond informed them, looking up. "Must I continue, or do you get the general idea?"

"We get it, continue if you must." Thranduil said, speaking for the group.

_Elladan left to get some food for their guest, while Elrohir staid behind. _

"Oh sweet Valar, I've got a bad feeling about this…" Elrohir mumbled.

_"I know that I have only just met u, Emyrald, but I am enchanted by ur beauty. Please be mine!" _

_"Take me, u hott Elvish prince, you!" _

Elrond's eyes bugged out of his head as he saw what was written next. "THAT'S MY SON, YOU SEDUCING WENCH! GET YOUR LUSTFULL HANDS OFF HIS--"

Elrond's mouth had to be quickly covered by Haldir's hand, lest he scar Estel's innocent young mind.

Elrohir's cheeks burned hotter than the fires of Mount Doom.

Elladan (along with everyone else in the room, and several servants listening outside) tried to pick himself up off the floor where he had fallen, incapable with laughter.

Glorfindel stepped up and took the book from the hysterical Elf Lord. "I will take over, seeing as my Lord Elrond is not in the present state of mind to continue reading." He began to flip through the pages, looking for an end to the graphicness. He glanced at the page every once in a while, and each time, he winced as if he had just been burned.

Holding the book at arms length, he turned a page and a slip of paper fell out.

Legolas picked it up and turned an interesting shade of purple.

Thranduil peered over his shoulder and made a funny squeaking sound at what saw.

Legolas tossed the paper quickly into the fire, and then doused the logs with oil to make sure it burned faster. All the while, he was shaking his head like a crazy person and muttering about 'illustrations.'

Thranduil visibly shuddered. "I've seen horrible things in my day, but that had to have been, by FAR, the most disturbing piece of paper I have encountered in all my days."

"I take it we REALLY don't want to know what was on that paper." Galadriel said, with raised eyebrows.

"Not if you wish to live the rest of your life without getting to know a therapist."

"We're good, thanks." Haldir replied.

"The horror…" came a weak voice. Everyone (except Elrond, who was still pitching a fit) to see poor Elrohir in the corner, practically curled into the fetal position.

"Ouch," Elladan grimaced. "This is an embarrassment he won't soon get over."

"Not many would, but thank you for stating the obvious." Arwen said. "We all figured that out while you were laughing like a crazed lunatic at the plight of your brother."

Elladan shrugged. "Well, you know…he wasn't exactly solemn when I got stuck upside down in that tree a few weeks ago."

"No one was!" said Estel, laughing. "Because it was the most entertainment we had had in a long while!"

"He has wisdom beyond his years." Erestor smirked.

TBC…


	5. Innuendo is a Fun Word

Chapter Five: Innuendo is a Fun Word

Elrond had again decided that his share of the reading was done (if our dear readers would remember, he already chucked the book at Thranduil's head, but the new reader soon relinquished it back to the original narrator after less than half a chapter…). He then proceeded to play a Middle-Earth version of Hot Potato with Celeborn, Haldir, and Erestor.

The book landed with an ominous thud on the hapless lap of Celeborn. Galadriel gave him a sympathizing look and patted him on the shoulder.

_Emyrald left the slumbering Elf Prince on the bed. She giggled as she walked into the bathroom. She really knew how to tire a guy out…_

Thranduil looked up from the book with a horrified expression on his face. Estel was the only one who didn't feel sorry for him, only because Estel had been lost after the first few pages. There's only so much innuendo a young boy can understand.

Galadriel breathed a sigh. "My, the Lothlorien therapist is going to have her hands full when we return…"

"Unless he has a seizure and doesn't even make it back." Arwen said, looking extremely concerned on behalf of her grandfather.

"No," Celeborn said, a pained expression on his face. "I will be fine."

His grandchildren turned into the impromptu cheering section as Elrond pouted at not being so appreciated and Galadriel felt a migraine coming on.

_She entered the bathroom, her soft feet padding on the cold tile. "Hmmm…I could use a bath…" _

"No! I could!" Elrohir cried out forcefully from the corner. He had begun to inch out, but at the start of the chapter had skirted right back in. "I think I'll burn my clothes and—" he was cut off by a violent shudder.

Glorfindel had been very quiet during the preceding events, but startled everyone when he murmured a short phrase. "The first of many to be corrupted…"

Every male in the room felt a cold chill make its way down their spines. Estel looked around, wondering if there was a draft. Even Galadriel and Arwen felt a dark foreboding. It seemed no one was safe from the Sues.

_She slid gracefully into the bathtub. _

"It is customary to fill the bathtub with water before one gets in." Thranduil commented with a smirk.

Legolas laughed at the embarrassed look on Estel's face. "Of all the things to fluster him, the image of her getting into the tub."

"Well, he wouldn't understand the other stuff…I would hope." Elladan pointed out. The fact that Estel hadn't quite acquired the same haunted look in his eyes as the rest of those in the room was proof enough.

_The bubbles slowly disappeared as she mulled in da hot water for quite some time. She looked up to see Elrohir enter the room. She giggled sensuasuly. "Back for more?" _

_He merely gave her a strange look. "Beg your pardon, my lady?" _

_It was then that Emyrald realized that it was in fact, the other twin, Elladan. _

The real Elladan's jaw dropped slightly and his eyes took on a glazed look.

"It's a lovely sinking feeling, isn't it?" remarked his twin dryly. He decided that it was worth it to come out of the corner for this. Payback time.

"Just walk away! Walk away! AWAY!" Elladan was yelling at the thing in Celeborn's hands.

_"EEK!" shrieked Emyrald. "I'm not decent!" _

This sentence was followed by Elladan exclaiming, "When are you ever!" and Haldir shaking his head and saying, "It was no big deal for her to shag a complete stranger, but when his twin walks in, she suddenly has modesty?"

Elladan was starting to hope that she would actually be faithful, but alas, he would not be so lucky.

_"I cannot help it! I heard about the legendary beauty of the maiden who has just arrived! I had 2 see it for myself!" _

_Emyrald thought about it for a moment. "Well…okay!" _

Elrohir looked triumphant. "Well, the one time I was hoping for a cheating female, I got it!"

Galadriel and Arwen did not look so convinced. They obviously had some sense of what was coming.

_Elrohir suddenly ran into the room suddenly. "Brother! Are u seducing my beloved!" _

_"I cannot help it! I am enchanted by her beauty!" _

_Emyrald giggled. "Well, I like both of you. I can love you both—"_

The book fell out of Celeborn's fingers as he saw what came next. He stared at the wall in absolute mortification as Arwen and Galadriel nodded knowingly, not looking at all surprised.

Estel stared at the adults around him in utter confusion as one-by-one, they all understood what "Emyrald" was trying to get across. The room suddenly became eerily quiet. Then eleven voices screeched the same word.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

A young maid walking by the door jumped about six feet in the air and dropped her tray, spilling all the contents. It had not been a good day for the poor elleth, and combined with this encounter, well, she just snapped. Thinking someone was murdering the Lord of Rivendell and his family, she ran screaming off to the kitchens.

There, she would be reassured by the all-knowing head chef, that Elrond and his guests were simply partaking in a bit of horribly-scarring literature. She stared at him, and then stumbled off, muttering about masochistic Elf Lords.

Anywaaaay…back to the room. Let's take a peek around, shall we?

Celeborn had nearly fallen over backwards in his chair but was rescued from a concussion by his wife. Elrond sat, transfixed with some unknown emotion, looking as if he had turned to stone. Legolas and Thranduil were looking as if they were unsure whether to laugh or cry. Estel had managed to get the general gist of what had happened, and was scanning the room, looking for a means of escape. Strangely (well, not really) Erestor was doing the same thing.

Glorfindel was attempting to revive Elrond, and Arwen aided him by fanning her father with a small book. Haldir had his mouth open in a silent scream as he lamented himself for choosing to come along on this visit.

Elladan and Elrohir clutched each other, as identical in their mortification as they were in their usual looks. One of them was whimpering.

"I…I…" Celeborn began, the first to recover. But he was at a loss for words. Temporarily. "I…I need a drink." He said heavily.

Arwen peered out into the hall, looking for a maid to send to the kitchens for some alcohol. She wouldn't mind drinking herself into oblivion in order to forget that horror, but all the servants seemed to be giving the room quite a wide berth. The halls were deserted.

_Some time later, Emyrald sat on her bed, brushing her silky hair. Elladan and Elrohir were reclining in chairs. Suddenly, two more people entered the room. First came a older looking guy. Then a hot stud._

_"Oh! Dad!" Elladan said. _

"Dad?" Elrohir questioned blankly.

_"And Aragorn!" Elrohir said. _

Glorfindel couldn't help but laugh. "Well, either she really likes Elrond, or we now know how attractive Estel will be when he is older."

_Elrond took one look at Emyrald and gasped. _

"This can't be good." Legolas muttered.

"What do you think?" Elrond asked, turning to Galadriel.

She frowned. "I'm sensing something utterly ridiculous."

_"Well, if it isn't the long-lost sister of Aragorn! What are you doing here?" Elrond said. Emyrald pouted. A hot guy, but she was related to him. She shrugged. That hasn't stopped her before. _

Disbelieving silence fell over the room until Galadriel spoke.

"Yes, I'm also sensing incest."

TBC….

The horror…


	6. Like, Gorgeous 1

Chapter Six: Like, Gorgeous!1

_"Ah, well if u r the sister of me, I welcome u!" Aragorn said. _

" 'Sister of me'?" Glorfindel blanched. "Doesn't this author realize that she is breaking every rule of grammar?"

Erestor looked over at him calmly. "You tell me if you think she can even spell the word 'grammar' and I'll answer that question."

"Good point."

_"We all welcome u!" Elrond said. He looked happy. Elladan and Elrohir shared a look as if to say—_

"Been there, done that?" Legolas offered with a barely concealed smirk. His only reply was two pillows to the face, courtesy of the twins.

_'Indeed.' _

"Oh! How witty." Arwen deadpanned.

_"We must have a feast in the honor of the lovely lady Emyrald!" Elrond said. "There will be dancing and perhaps the lady would honor us with a song!1" _

_Emyrald blushed and giggled, waving a perfectly manicured hand at the elf guy. _

Celeborn looked up from the page. "Is it someone else's turn to read yet?" he asked flatly.

"NO," came the universal reply.

Celeborn dropped his eyes back to the book, grumbling incoherently. Apparently, Galadriel found it quite amusing and had to cover her laugh with a cough.

_Several hours later, Emyrald started to get ready 4 the feast. _

_She brushed her looooong hair and put some eyeliner. It made her gorgeous sapphire-green-hazelish eyes stand out even more!1 Then she put on a dress that a random elf servant laid out on her bed. She put it on and looked at herself in the mirror._

_"Gasp! I look, like, gorgeous!" _

_And since I'm so sure u all want to b able to picture her, here's a descrip…descre…discri…what the dress lookes like. _

_It was neon pink—  
_

"Talk about subtle." Arwen mused.

_With a very low neckline, tee hee!1 And the dress hugged Emyrald's tiny waist and trailed behind her on the floor. There was a slit in the side up to her hips. _

"Okay, so she looks like a cheap wench, moving on…" Haldir waved his hand.

"I'll just skip the rest of the details of her getting ready and go straight to the banquet." Celeborn said, while flipping through several pages.

_Emyrald stepped slowly down da stairs. All eyes in the room were on her. She blushed prettily. _

_Ro and Dan came up to her, each offering her an arm, and she entered the hall with 2 elvish studs on her arms. _

"Who is this 'Ro and Dan' of which she speaks?" Elladan said, feigning confusion.

"Pretty sure she means you two; she is just using very crude nicknames." Legolas said, very slowly, as if talking to small children.

_She sat at the longest table with all the important people. _

_Elrond stood and banged his fork on the glass. _

_"I'd like 2 make a little toast! To Lady Emyrald! We thank her for bringing her unmatched beauty to our Riverdel." _

Celeborn did a double take at what was written next. "This 'little' toast goes on for 14 paragraphs! Sweet Eru, I didn't know you were such a windbag, Elrond."

Said Elf Lord just sunk lower in his seat.

_Emyrald stood. "I am touched by ur kindness. As a thank you, I will sing u all a song…" _

Celeborn tossed the book onto Haldir's lap. "I'm done."

The look Haldir gave Celeborn could have felled a Nazgul.

_Emyrald began to sing a beyootiful song. As she was singing, she glanced down the table and spotted a blond. _

"My, she must be proud of herself, spotting a blond in a room full of Elves." Erestor rolled his eyes.

All the blonds in the room, however, were suddenly feeling quite uncomfortable. Needless to say, Haldir, Glorfindel, Thranduil, and Legolas were squirming in their seats. Even Galadriel felt a little worried. And THAT is scary.

_Her eyes widened just so slightly. Could that be Legolas? _

"Heh heh heh…" Glorfindel, Thranduil, and Galadriel laughed.

Legolas shrank back. "No! Maybe…maybe it's…someone else with a wig on!"

"Aw, look how cute his denial is!" Elrohir cooed.

Thranduil clapped Legolas on the shoulder. "My son, is it time we had that 'talk'? I think I see a relationship in your future…"

"Why? Why me?" Legolas asked the ceiling.

"Because you're so pretty, Legolas." Arwen teased.

"Whyyyy?"

"Because I'm so pretty, and so was your mother." Thranduil laughed.

"Whywhywhy!"

"This is a horrible form of stalling." Glorfindel sighed.

"WHY?"

"To tell you the truth, this does seem to happen a lot." Celeborn mused. "And I have a feeling it will continue to happen."

Estel, who was just recovering from his shock, smiled. "Your best bet is to shave your head and get fat."

"WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS, ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!"

TBC…


	7. Leggiekins

Chapter Seven: Leggie-kins

What with Legolas's half-indignant, half-despairing exclamation still lingering in the air, there wasn't a whole lot of talking in the room. None at all, in fact. All the occupants were either looking sympathetic toward the distraught Elf, or (as in the case of the twins and Thranduil) looking extremely amused at Legolas's plight.

Haldir broke the uncomfortable silence with a sledgehammer as he continued to read.

_As Emyrald came to the clozing of her beyootiful song, she glanced at Leggie-kins again. _

Thranduil didn't even bother to control his uproarious laughter. The same poor young maid who had finally been calmed down after her bout of running screaming to the kitchens, had just walked in carrying several pillows for the guests. At Thranduil's sudden, booming laughter, she let out a frightened squeak and bolted from the room.

Elrond glanced over at where she had previously been standing and shook his head sadly. "She'll be needing therapy after this…"

Elrohir grimaced. "Let's just say, she won't be the only one."

"Oh ho ho, that's too good!" Thranduil chuckled.

"What, that your son has a new ridiculous nickname or that all our servants are being driven to insanity?" Arwen snapped.

Thranduil held up his hands as if in defense, but he was still laughing, so the gesture fell flat.

Over the laughter, Haldir's voice could be heard.

_Emyrald noticed someone sitting next to the Elven studmuffin. He was taller and blond, and looked like Legolas. _

Thranduil's laughter began to decrease and a grin formed on Haldir's face.

_Emyrald blinked. Could this perhaps b…Yes, it was! Leggie's dad, Thrandu— _

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Thranduil wasn't laughing anymore.

_Thranduil. _Haldir finished with a satisfied smirk.

Now it was Thranduil's turn to sink into his chair as those around him got great entertainment out of his misfortune. All those present were quite startled to see even Erestor lose his composure like that. Glorfindel leaned back in his chair, shaking with laughter. Elrond had to leave the room in order to get his laughter under control. Legolas was looking far too triumphant. Galadriel, losing any sense of poise, wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes with the corner of a pillow.

_Emyrald's song finished and she like skipped over to leggie and thranny. _

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"My…my Lord Elrond! Are you quite alright!"

All those in the room jumped at the sound of Elrond's hysterical laughter. From the sounds of it, he was being restrained by several servants out in the hall.

"I will never…EVER live this down…" Thranduil muttered through clenched teeth as Elrond was brought into the room, supported on either side by a servant.

Legolas let out a long-suffering sigh. "Oh Ada…welcome to my world."

"He has a point." Arwen mumbled.

"_Like, ZOMG, I like LOOOOVE u guys!" she said cutely. "You are just soooooooOooo sexay." _

"Haldir, the fact that you are enjoying this way too much is quite worrisome to me." Celeborn said.

"Yes, honestly, you don't have to provide a high-pitched squeaky voice for this wench." Elrohir frowned. "We get it! She's bloody annoying. Let's move on."

"Alright." Haldir said smoothly, dropping the book swiftly in Elrohir's lap. "You read then."

Everyone broke into new laughter at the murderous look on Elrohir's face.

"Sorry, brother." Elladan teased, wagging a finger. "You really were asking for that one."

Elrohir cleared his throat loudly, shot a glare at a chuckling Estel, and turned his focus to the page. "I hope this is ridiculously embarrassing for the lot of you." He muttered darkly.

"_Why, thanx, u lovely young thing." Thranny smiled. _(More laughter from the recently subdued Elrond.) _We would b honored if u would join us." He handed her a red rose. _

"Why, Thranduil, I did not know you were such a smooth operator." Erestor smirked.

"You're smug now, but wait till she gets to YOU!" Thranduil shot back.

Erestor responded with a smile. "Ah, but you are wrong. I have found lesser 'Mary Sues' in the library of Imladris. I am more familiar to their ways. Not once, am I ever mentioned." He frowned slightly. "At first, I thought it to be insulting." The smile returned. "But now, it is truly a blessing from the Valar."

"Am I mentioned at all in any of them?" Glorfindel asked, sitting up straighter in his chair.

"Almost as much as the twins."

"I'm doomed." Glorfindel shuddered.

Elrohir continued to plow through the story, reading in a very flat but loud voice.

_Several hours later, Emyrald had had 2 much wine, tee hee. She was like totally tipsy. Not drunk, tho. Because that isn't very sexay. And Emyrald is like the definition of sexay. Totally. _

_She giggled and like leaned on Legolas's arm. He blushed at her feather-like touch, lolz. _

"This is borderline illiterate." Galadriel dead-panned.

"_Perhaps I should take you back to ur room, my lady." Leggy said. _

"_Would you please?" Emyrald said, a smile forming. _

_She had a pretty good idea at what would happen once they got back there…_

A loud gulp could be heard. All heads turned to see Legolas turn a funny green color.

"I think he's going to be sick." Estel commented.

_In Emyrald's room…_

"_Well, this is it." Emyrald said. _

"_Yes. Are you ready?" Leggy said. _

"_Yes." Emyrald said. _

"_Are you sure?" Leggy said. _

"_I'm sure." Emyrald said. _

"_Let's do it." Leggy said. _

"_Okay." Emyrald said. _

"_PILLOW FIGHT!" _

"Oh thank the Valar." Legolas exhaled heavily and his face returned to it's normal color. "I thought they were going to do…something else."

_Somewhere during the fight, both lost several articles of clothing, and then, well, tee hee, they—_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

TBC….


	8. Cynicism

Well…sniff I believe we have come to the end. Yes, I have to end this story with this chapter. School's starting, and I'm going to be unbelievably busy. I'd have to leave you all hanging with even longer updating times (which I'm really sorry about). This chapter will be nice and long to make up for that. Thank you all sooooo much for reading and leaving me the lovely reviews. I love you all!

Chapter Eight: Cynicism

After about half an hour of coaxing, the group managed to get Legolas out of the fetal position. Elrohir almost undid that persuasion by continuing a little sooner than they would have hoped.

_"Oh, sweetie." Leggy sighed, his arm wrapped around Emyrald, her silky skin warm 2 the touch. _

_"Whut is it my studmuffin?" _

_"I just love u sooo much." _

_"I kno." _

"Okay, not that I want her to say it, but who says 'I know' after someone says they love you?" Legolas asked, almost indignant.

"Well, she has shagged countless people since her arrival…" Arwen pointed out bluntly. "Do you honestly expect her to be sincere?"

"…Point taken."

_"Do u remember, mellonmyne?" _Elrohir paused. "That's an interesting spelling." He blinked and cleared his throat.

_"Remember wut?" _

_"Our engagement. We are to b married once u turn eighteen. It was decided many years ago." _

"Never mind that Legolas is thousands of years her senior." Estel muttered.

There was a long silence.

"Oh my VALAR!" Elladan cried, nearly falling out of his chair.

"Can it be?" Elrond gaped. "Is this book making Estel…cynical?"

_"Well, like, I'm almost sixte—I mean eighteen. My b-day is like in 2 dayz!" _

_"Well, we must have a big partay and get u lots of gifts and then we can get married!1" _

_"Woot!" _

"Woot?" Celeborn repeated.

_So like later that day, Emyrald was dressed and walking in the woods, singing. She heard a cry and ran 2 the source. She found Aragorn cornered by an orc. _

"That's random." Glorfindel stated.

Estel was looking pissed. "I do not get cornered!"

Erestor coughed, looking amused. "Apparently you do."

_He was protecting an injured Thranny. _

"Oh, the indignity…" Thranduil mumbled, his face in his hands.

_But ARgorn's weapon had somehow gotten broken and was laying off 2 the side. Thranny had a arrow in his side and teh orc was moving closer 2 them with his sword raised, redy to kill both of them because they were defenseless because thranny had left his bow and arrow and sword back at the castle and aragorn's was, as I said, broke. _

"That was a spectacular run-on sentence." Galadriel mused, raising her eyebrows.

_Emyrald picked up a huge rock and chucked it at the orc. It was then ded, so Gornie ran over to her—_

"Excuse me, 'Gornie'!" Estel choked. "What in the name of all that is good is that!"

An identical evil grin spread over the faces of Elladan and Elrohir. "That, brother, would be your new nickname."

Estel let out a silent scream. He was young, but not too young to know that that nickname would stick with him forever.

_"U like totally saved us! I luvv u!" _

_"Tee hee." _

_And becuz Thranny wasn't going n e where and Aragron was a sexy rugged stud, they slipped off 4 a little fun in the woods…_

"AGGGHHH!" Estel cried. "THAT CAN'T BE GOOD!"

"There is something almost humorous about the mind of a young child being corrupted into knowing exactly what this wench is bloody talking about." Glorfindel sighed. "…Almost."

_And then Emyrald went back and gave Thranny some lovin so he would get better sooon. _

"So, now her being a brazen hussy gives her healing powers? Who knew?" Galadriel put in mildly.

_Anywayz, they decided to have a banquet in honor of Emyrald, becuz she saved 2 lives. _

_She came in on Aragorn's arm, looking as beyootiful as usual. Her hair had a purplish hue and was up in intricayte braidz. It cascaded down her back like a purple waterfall. The dress she wore was white and hugged her slim body. All the guyz in the place like totally wanted her. Arwen watched on jealously, with her greasy hair and flab. _

Arwen dug her nails into the arm of the chair she was occupying. "Why that little…"

_Elrond had brought wine for teh occasion. _

_Several minutes later…_

_"My love, I think u are drunk." Aragorn said. _

_"Yes, MY love." Legoals said. _

_"No, OUR love!" teh twins said. _

"You can have her!" Aragorn and Legolas insisted simultaneously.

"No thanks." Elladan and Elrohir chorused back.

_"OH, I luv u all!" Emyrald giggled. _

"Please no." Elladan whimpered.

"Skip this part!" Haldir exclaimed.

Elrohir began to thumb through the pages, reading a word here and there…so he wouldn't have to be the only one who had to suffer the inhumanity. "Candles…roses… 'panties?'…a whip? Why?...ouch, that had to hurt…oh, apparently not…chocolate sauce?...all night? Really?"

"ELROHIR! FOR THE LOVE OF VARDA!"

"No need to get so angry, people."

_Emyrald fell asleep in the arms of some random Elf. _

_Her eyes opened slowly and she gasped. She was like back in here own room! The horror!1 _

_Tears filled her gorgeous eyes. "Why, why why! WHY CAN'T I BE WITH THE MULTIPLE PEOPLE I LOVE! WHY WHY WHY!" _

Elrohir looked up with a bored expression on his face. "This goes on for several paragraphs. Does anyone have a problem with me skipping it?"

Silence.

"Didn't think so."

_Emyrald stood up tall. "I will survive this. Someday I will get back there." _

"No, you won't." came the automatic response from about half the occupants of the room. The other half had been struck dumb with their good luck at having escaped the fate worse than death…being Emyrald's love slave. In other words, Haldir, Glorfindel, Arwen, Galadriel, and Celeborn.

_"My lovely loving love of middle erth will bring me back there some day." _

_TEH END…OMGEE IT'S LIKE OVER!1 _

A very long pause fell over the group. Elrohir let the book fall from his fingers just as the maid was yet again entering the room. She promptly sprinted back out as a tremendously loud cheer shook the very foundations of the room.

"She gone! She gone!" Elrond crowed as he danced around with Erestor. Elladan had somehow produced a bottle of wine and was pouring a glass for everyone but Estel…who looked like he needed the alcohol the most. Legolas was busy pushing the book into the fireplace with a stick. He then burned the stick as well and looked up with a very relieved expression on his face.

"Thank the Valar." He exhaled.

Celeborn wrapped his arms around Galadriel, as if thanking her for being a normal female. Arwen passed Haldir a glass of wine with a laugh, and the elf downed it rather quickly. Glorfindel clapped a hand on Thranduil's shoulder as a means of comfort.

"It's over," he smiled.

"Yes," Thranduil breathed. "It is."

------

Elrohir and Elladan blinked back the horrible memories and tried to focus on how good they felt when the story had ended. "You're right, Arwen, that DID happen." Elladan mumbled. "It wasn't just a terrible, horrifying nightmare."

Arwen let out a small laugh. "It might as well have been."

Elrohir, who had been quiet throughout this, finally spoke up. "I think…it may be better to not mention this to Elessar. I doubt his sanity, fragile as it is now, could handle another such trauma."

"Good idea." Arwen nodded.

There was a pause, and they turned to see an innocent-looking Elladan.

"…FINE. Spoil all my fun."

They headed off to get some dinner. As they made their way down the hall, Elladan's voice could be heard.

"I suppose that explains why I feel the urge to call Elessar 'Gornie'…"

THE END

Thank you all SO much for reading and reviewing! I'm sorry that this story has to end so soon, but, to be frank, I'm out of time and inspiration. This won't be my last story, but I definitely need to focus on my schoolwork when the time comes.

Thank you all!

Crazyroninchic


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